As a boy I read stories about knights and dragons, about King Aurthur and his noble knights of the round table, their morality and bravery more important than their own lives. I wondered if I would ever have the courage to demonstrate such bravery. I imagined myself as a magnificent shield to the weak, as a sword of justice! Having recently watched a series of Batman movies many of these sentiments return. Now as a grown man of the ripe age of 31, I smile to myself as I remember. My life has developed some of these sentiments, I guess. As I prepare for a medical career, I feel its more of the shield and less of the righteous sword, which is potentially less awesome, in the DC comics sense. Its difficult to imagine the "Avenging Medic" destroying evil bacteria at every turn!
Laughing at myself, I re-read my last blog post. A more serious air drifts back into my mind as I contemplate the motivations behind writing it. Perhaps my bravery is in a different form. I have no dragons to fight (Broke up with them long ago!! HAHA snap!.. sorry), I have myself, my mind with which to do battle. My weapon is my intelligence and my determination. My shield is my family, love and understanding. This is a long and drawn out battle, it is invisible to everyone except those closest to me. I will not receive honour and glory for my fight, I will suffer the stigma that goes with mental illness. No gold, glory and castles, although I do have my fair maiden! :)
I know that I will win, I have zero doubt. I also know others do not win and sometimes they die when they lose their fight. I want to bring this out of the invisible world, and into the light.
I hope you have stuck with me through my King Arthur metaphor. I'll leave it there for now.
So to clarify, I was writing about my own experience, but it was not simply a self-indulgent, sympathy grab. I was not looking for help. I warmly appreciate the love and understanding that I have been given, but this was not my goal. I wanted people to get a glimpse of how painful a condition depression can be. I wanted people to think 'wow, he has described some of the things that i've felt!'. I wanted to start a discussion about mental health.
I don't have the answers to cure mental health diseases. I don't even know how to fix the crappy management of mental health in Australian health systems. What i DO know, is that the place to start those issues is to try to help shift the perception of mental health in Australia.
At the hospital where I work, the mental health ward is in the basement. You literally have to take the lift to "Lower Ground". Now while I can't claim wisdom in the area of logistics associated with running a hospital, it is fairly easy to see how this location might conjure up some negative associations.
I tired this week, I've been on night shift, so I wont go on and on. 'Keep it simple stupid' is some great wisdom. So here are some main points to go home with.
- I have/do suffer mental health problems
- I'm not ashamed of this
- I'm a pretty ok person, and my medical illness doesn't take away from that.
- I would argue that depression makes me a better doctor (but thats another blog)
- I want each of you reading this to think about how you would feel about having depression
- are you ashamed?, do you feel defective? would you tell anyone?
Until we think of mental illness as a medical illness, the negative stigma will exist.
Diabetics make less or no insulin (type 1), therefore they must be cautious in their physical activity and diet, otherwise they suffer worsening symptoms
Depressives make less serotonin, therefore they must be cautious in their physical activity and diet, otherwise they suffer worsening symptoms.
Its not magic folks. It's just science. Deal with it.
The Grumpy Kid expects discussion this time. Google gives me stats on hits. Over 200 people clicked on my blog last time, lets assume half of those were by accident (my ego just took a hit..), and lets assume half those who meant it, didn't care. So that leaves around 50 people who read it, cared about the issue and didn't write anything!!
Step up. Think of King Arthur. Be brave.
The young people of Australia are dying. Last year nearly as many young people died from suicide as from car accidents. In addition to this horrific statistic there are multitudes of wonderful people, who thankfully havn't and will not take their lives, who's suffering, lost relationships, lost work and ongoing pain epitomises this disease.
Random bystander - "Yeah, OK Grumpy Kid, you are making us all feel sad and helpless with your statistics... what the!?"
GK - "Ok well, stick with me. Why do I care? I am one who lives with depression every day. Have done for around 12 years. Everyone has up's and down's, but over the last decade, I have swung from feeling almost normal and good, to hollow, dead inside and completely suicidal. Various well meaning doctors, psychiatrists, friends, family, lovers and strangers have noticed, tried to help, actually helped, made it worse, anything you can imagine.
I persevere. The days that big, black cloud comes flowing over me again, my stomach starts to churn, I get almost dizzy with the smallest, normal effort. I close my eyes and think of all the good things in my life. They appear in my minds eye as a tiny, warm cloud of light, almost extinguished by the immense, black, sticky storm looming down on me. Like a glow-worm trying to illuminate the deepest, darkest, hot-tar-filled cave which is slowly filling with smoke. Even up close, after your eyes have adjusted, its still barely visible.
CBT, diet, exercise, love, music, friendship, family, art, laughter and wine. These are probably the things that are mostly responsible for my continuing life, in no specific order.
But forget all that, I've worked with young kids with almost overwealming mental health problems, in addition to social situations that are staggering for their sheer lack of opportunity, love and stability.
I've talked to other students with ongoing depressive illnesses. Some of my best friends have suffered crippling anxiety disorders since childhood. I've seen them in the grips of the paralysing fear, as they freeze, 'turn off', and just can't move. The internal, cognitive war is so evident. Battles as large as you can imagine, literally, attack her innocent mind as she struggles to just walk to the car and go to work. The people around her, frustrated at the years of seeming inactivity, struggle to support, strive to understand the invisible struggle wrenching her mind apart, daily.
Those are the reasons I am talking about this. These are the people who need more understanding, more love, more help.
http://www.beyondblue.org.au
I will speak my minds shame now. I have heard of heroic battles against cancer, seen "backyard blitz" serve love and appreciation to wonderful people suffering diseases, so deserving of help... and I have wished and begged the universe,"please, PLEASE, give me cancer, give me leukaemia, kill me if you want, just give me a disease where people will understand the struggle, a disease that is 'heroic', not this shameful, wasted, invisible, pityfullly-paralysing depression. My cowardly mind begs for recognition of my suffering. If only people could see it, a giant flag, take a limb! ANYTHING so that I wouldn't just be this weak, crying, mess, begging for death.
That is why we need to talk. That is why we need to take this disease on, head on. My beautiful darling baby must live in a world that understands these things.
At university, at the hospital, everywhere I have worked and lived, I have encountered this disease. I often mention my affliction to people I meet, and so frighteningly often I am greeted by a beautifully open and sharing answer They discuss their own experience with depression and anxiety. I have talked to professors, lawyers, doctors (so many doctors!), tradies, shop owners, mechanics, school kids and university students with similar experiences. All wonderful caring people, all in pain.
I have been frustrated at our lack, angered at our response, saddened by the loss and overjoyed by the love and beauty of these people. I have been steeled to my singularly focussed movement towards a solution. There is no fight, there is only travel towards this answer. There will be no struggle, only fuel to my fire. There is no loss, only time spent on this path."
everyone - "... what should we do?"
GK "So glad you asked... please post comments and maybe we can get the discussion started. Our first area : Student Depression"
- Please do comment - GK
Laughing at myself, I re-read my last blog post. A more serious air drifts back into my mind as I contemplate the motivations behind writing it. Perhaps my bravery is in a different form. I have no dragons to fight (Broke up with them long ago!! HAHA snap!.. sorry), I have myself, my mind with which to do battle. My weapon is my intelligence and my determination. My shield is my family, love and understanding. This is a long and drawn out battle, it is invisible to everyone except those closest to me. I will not receive honour and glory for my fight, I will suffer the stigma that goes with mental illness. No gold, glory and castles, although I do have my fair maiden! :)